On writing naughty words – a non-conclusive guide to elevating your sticky writing

On writing naughty words – a non-conclusive guide to elevating your sticky writing

His fingers meandered along the keys, each push of a button with just the right amount of pressure and a certain artfulness to his craft.

I’m sorry, you’ll probably never see your keyboard in the same light again but innocence is for the weak. In this post I want to showcase just how one can write naughty passages – or full stories for that matter – that will read and feel as if the author knew what he was doing.

I made my first forays into writing after I discovered the world of written erotica and thought “I think I can do this” after reading through the forums for a while. I am quite thankful for this in retrospect because it was just the kind of motivation I needed to continue writing in various fields, this instant gratification of having my works read, liked and commented on even though I had very little clue what I was doing in the beginning.

It just so happened that I am somewhat good as this stuff and write stuff that people like to read, so I figured I would use these times of unsexy isolation to write down what I know so hopefully others can profit. Of course no such guide can ever be conclusive and there are certainly many ways to write, these are just methods that definitely work and are in fact technical and can easily be reproduced.

So let’s go:

No numbers

The numbers, Mason, what do they mean?

I still don’t know why, but a surprising amount of erotica and also some other types of writing fall prey to what I consider the single-worst way to write anything: Putting a number to it.

Her 5’7 body looked stunning and her triple-A breasts nearly made the size-34 shirt burst.

What the heck is that? It’s not a particular example, but I have definitely read too many damn-similar sentences for my own good. A couple things about this:

  • Since when is math sexy unless it wears glasses and short skirts?
  • You’re losing the flow as I’m mentally trying to put that number into perspective.
  • I might not even understand it at all because I’m a filthy German and we use the metric system, don’t count on me getting my calculator out to understand the story.

It’s also such an inheritely weird way to describe people, whenever I read that I imagine someone entering a room full of people and literally sizing everyone up with a measuring tape. Excuse me, Madam Ambassador, just one moment while I measure your waist real quick.

Instead there are so much more elegant ways to describe someone’s physical features, from “a handful of breast” to “she towered over everyone else in the room” or whatever. Sexy writing in particular just can not be clinical, number and fact-based but has to evoke emotions.

Focus on the reaction over the action

Often times the reaction to something is more powerful than the action itself, both in reality and in writing. Just think about how it feels to have fingers dig into your neck over how simple the actual action is to understand what I mean.

Fingers can leave shivers in their wake, thrusts can reverberate through bodies and even looks can chill your spine. Your body can rub over the matress as you’re pushed forward, air can escape your lungs and your muscles can twitch involuntarily as you try to hold onto that moment just a little longer.

Sure, clothes are taken off, but why not describe how they hit the floor, how annoying it is when you can’t quite shake off the underwear that is somehow glued to your ankle and how the shirt pushed over your breasts restricts your movement in oh-so-amazing ways? I find that using these switches in perspective adds a lot to the otherwise clinical “he took her shirt off she took his shirt off” that you can easily run into when you’re not watching out.

Don’t forget the hands

Hands do not magically disappear once the clothes come off, there’s still holding onto the sheets in a desperate attempt to get a grip on your life, there are fingers digging into each other’s backs and brushing strands of hair aside, gliding down neck and teasing touches while the breath slowly returns to your lungs.

Don’t forget about the surroundings

Sex is pretty damn repetitive for the most part, we all know that but that does not mean that your story has to include a full page of moans and thrusts and grunts in rapid succession.

Sure, there’s probably gonna be some boning in between but how about you focus on the surroundings instead? There’s a whirring ceiling fan your eyes can’t quite focus on, car lights throwing shadows through the gap between the curtains and the muffled noises of that important meeting in the next room. The printer is doing its clean-up routine with the surreal, probably nefarious noises that printers tend to emit and a kitchen top might be the only thing to hold onto in times of meat.

Maybe there’s birds chirping their disapproval of your indecency or waves slowly rolling ashore before retracting just like your fading memory of the times when you still had morals.

Only bad sex is good sex

This “rule” is to be seen as a suggestion more than a god-given law, but when you think about it you hardly ever remember the times when sex was “good” in a traditional sense. Lights off, soft mattress, a couple minutes of kissing and touching and five minutes of heavy breathing are soon to be forgotten. Yet at the same time you might still remember the feeling of pebbles digging into your back, the incredible discomfort of trying to fit two people in the back of a car or the way the bed was constantly creaking with each thrust and driving you mad.

You might still remember how the sex was a little too rough, the pain a little too welcome after a long day of slaving away at a desk or remember the chuckles when one came too early, didn’t come at all and you’ll for sure remember the day when you got caught in the printer room and your boss tossed both of ya’ asses out the door. You’ll remember how much you needed a shower after what seemed like a good idea at the time, will remember the feeling of meeting your one-night-stand again the next week and you’ll know the feeling of sweat-soaked shirts clinging to your back on a hot summer night.

Write that shit down, it works!

Skip the dialog once the clothes come off (unless you see a reason)

In my experience dialog often feels forced and un-immersive, especially when it doesn’t really serve a purpose. This is especially true for sex scenes, a lot of what is said in between the final moments of still-being-dressed and senses returning to your brain is really just a mutually experienced halucination.

If there’s merit to it, by all means go ahead but if it’s just a long string of “oh my god yes please more harder faster arrrrgh” then you’re probably better off leaving that stuff out.

Personally I revert a lot to indirect speech, a description of whispers and smiles and “their eyes did all the talking” instead of using the blunt-force-trauma that is dirty talk. I mean most people can’t even do dirty talk in real life, sometimes you wish they would just shut up and get naked already.

In the stages leading up to it that whole thing turns around of course, in fact often enough you see this hilarious “we just met but now we fuck” in the span of like five minutes with three sentences exchanged that makes no sense either.

But whatever you do: Avoid your character falling into a minute-long monologe about the non-sensical aspects of life, love and female hygene in the middle of a good boning session.

Don’t just follow the rules

This is no barrier, just a suggestion right?

Most stories (and sex in general) could easily improve by bending a couple rules, things that are expected but not really set in stone either. Sure, the reader probably won’t stumble over both characters being completely naked in the end – nothing wrong with that – but what about the whole pushing skirts and shirts up, panties aside and pants dangling at your ankles?

The average story will likely follow a line of talking-kissing-undressing-touching-oral-screwing but why not switch away from that pattern every once in a while? How about some wild, ferocious fucking because kissing is for beginners? How about a slow night of touching, massaging, neck kissing and slow fingering after a long night at a particularly gruesome murder scene leaves our cops devastated and craving the safety of human warmth?

Use those fancy words

To me at least one of the main reasons I love creative writing is because it allows me to play with words in ways that I can not normally do. Most modern creative writing (looking at you, dime-a-dozen thriller-novels) is pretty bleak in regards to the writing and you’ll often find the advice to “write as simple as you can” – which has its merit I guess.

In sexy writing however you have a lot more freedom, both in purple prose and wordplays that are largely regarded as the worst of the worst, something only the lowest author scum would employ – but they are oh so much fun when wielded properly.

I once wrote a certain post-apocalyptic dystopian sex-thingie and described a certain member as “harder than life on the streets” and it put a smile on my face in times when I hardly smiled anymore. I love looking at this sentence you just wrote with this satisfying realization of “I made this and it’s perfect”.

You can also draw from the noir genre quite heavily, introduce a woman as “danger on long legs” or describe places in the most cynical, desolate way possible. Everything around you reeks of despair, even the woman in your arms feels like a momentary break from a reality that is too harsh to handle in the long run. Weaker minds would resort to drugs, but you only need a pack of cigarettes, a bottle of too-cheap scotch and a too-expensive hooker in a run-down roadside motel.

The empty bus station was like a mirror of her soul, the darkness and solitude spoke to her like a crack pipe to an addict.

You can also work with similies, metaphors, all the things that make readers groan are great when those suddenly turn into moans. You know people aren’t at the height of their game when they read or write these things – which is why they are so much fun.

A dick’s just a dick

Which is to say: There’s little reason to scour the thesaurus for yet another synonym of dick, twat, vag, member, hard-on, iron-pole, devastator of honey caves or whatever other crimes against humanity some authos might employ. In particular there is little reason to switch between those all the time within the same story.

If you feel the need you might rather look at if you have too much repitition in your writing because I can sometimes write whole stories without even writing about a dick twice.

Now go and write those words

I hope you found this post somewhat useful, maybe even a little entertaining and if you did I can highly recommend this enjoyable art of writing naughty words.

If you want to know more I also made a quick tutorial on making a great romance cover using Affinity Photo:

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